The 15 Best (Non-Fish) Seafood, Ranked

Ways to Eat It: Steamed crab, lump crab, whole crab, crab legs, crab claws, crab cake, crab bisque, soft-shell crab, deep-fried crab, crab dip, crab soup, crab rangoon, etc.

Pros: Good hot or cold. Cracking and pulling tiny slivers of meat out of a crab carcass really feels like an accomplishment. 

Cons: The sale of "lump crabmeat" is a scam. Also, crab bodies are very spiny and can really bloody up your fingers and knuckles if you are not careful.

Ways to Eat Them: Barbecued shrimp, boiled shrimp, broiled shrimp, baked shrimp, sautéed shrimp, shrimp kebabs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo, pan-fried shrimp, deep-fried shrimp, stir-fried shrimp, pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich, shrimp scampi, shrimp cocktail, maybe some others.

Pros: Highly accessible. Versatile. Easy to eat by the pound. Can also buy frozen. Can also call them "prawns" and then quote District 9 for a while.

Cons: Sometimes you have to pull off the head or shell yourself, like you have all day. Also, that dark line on the back of a shrimp is full of poop.

Ways to Eat It: Steamed, boiled, grilled, whole or just-tail, lobster bisque, lobster roll ("Maine" style - chilled with some mayonnaise, or "Connecticut" style - warm with butter and lemon)

Pros: Fancy! Look at you!

Cons: Usually stupidly expensive, even though lobsters are the bugs of the sea and literally eat carrion. In fact, U.S. prisons used to serve lobster to inmates because the meat was so cheap and low-quality. (Wow, do you think this is interesting information? Then maybe you would like to read David Foster Wallace's essay about this very topic, Consider the Lobster.)

Ways to Eat Them: Seared, smoked, other ways.

Pros: Sometimes it is a bunch of little scallops, and sometimes it is like one big scallop. You can buy packages of very small frozen ones at Trader Joe's.

Cons: All scallops have dozens of tiny, disgusting eyeballs, and they look like this.

Ways to Eat Them: Steamed, baked, boiled, raw, fried, clam chowder (the red or the white), clambake, in pasta, in soup, in whatever else you want really.

Pros: They are pretty good in the shells and also out. Why don't you get some for the table?

Cons: If you don't like to chew gooey things or the taste of the sea, you will not like clams.

Ways to Eat Them: Steamed, boiled, smoked, roasted, barbecued, fried, etc.

Pros: You can just get the moules frites.

Cons: Well, none, really, except that there are never enough do you know what I'm saying?